We don’t normally tell the truth. At least not directly. But this post has some hard truthery to it, so listen up and retweet the following message: stop being a monkey. Seriously. Here are a few things that contribute to the gestalt of your monkeyness.
Social Media Is Deadly. It’s not. Honest. You’ll see lots of advice about “the five deadly mistakes of social media” or the “seven deadly mistakes of Twitter.” Monkey shit. Besides telling us that people can only handle 5 to 7 things at a time, posts about deadly social media mistakes are crap. There are no deadly mistakes. Sure, alligators in Florida ate a few lawyers who were tweeting at the time, but that didn’t have anything to do with any “deadly mistakes” they made. Alligators eat people. Get over it.
Your Food is Fascinating. Honestly, it’s not. Not sure what else to say about this, except pictures of your meals don’t make it better. Try eating.
You Need a Disclaimer. I spoke to a lawyer the other day who wanted to make sure he had the appropriate “online disclaimers,” including a “Terms of Use and User Policy” and a policy about “the Digital Millenium Copyright Act,” whatever that is. He wanted them referenced in his tweets and prominently displayed on his Facebook page. My suggestion? You’re a monkey. Just do what most lawyers do with their communications. Say this: “If you are not the intended recipient, then we will kill you. If you inform us that you did not read this, we will still kill you. We will kill you even if you destroy this. Bottom line: you’re dead. Today is not your day.” That usually works.
SEO Greatly Increases ROI. If you use one of these terms in normal conversation, you are a verified monkey. I had a client yesterday who started up a new website and was enraged that it was not at the top of Google within hours. He said he wanted better SEO. I said, you’re a monkey. Things went further south after that. I’m expected in court on Friday. Not a great return on my investment.
Fake Happiness Leads to Your Happiness. It doesn’t. You just feel worse. And it’s called “surface acting,” otherwise known as “tweeting.” There’s even a study of bus drivers who surface act, concluding “an inauthentic smile to hide unhappiness can further worsen your mood.” Be real. Make stuff up. Just don’t make up your happiness– it shows.
And with that positive note, we’ve reached our truth quotient for a bit. We’ll get back now to product reviews, practice management advice, and harshing people’s hashtags. Carry on.
