With profit margins spiraling downward, lawyers are looking for ways to reduce costs and to optimize revenue. Part of that effort is to identify alternative sources of revenue, such as internal organ sales, profit-skimming, or Ponzi scheming. One overlooked source of revenue is lawyer merchandising. We’ve recently surveyed lawyer merchandising efforts and can now report back on some of the top choices for merchandising in the coming year.
Lawyer-Shaped Chicken Nuggets. Parents of small kids go ape over custom-shaped chicken nuggets, and for good reason: kids love them, especially if they can bite the heads off of discernible creatures. Branded chicken nuggets are now a huge market, with nuggets shaped like dinosaurs, Lightning McQueen, and Mickey Mouse. While we’re not entirely sure on the exact contours of a lawyer-shaped chicken nugget, we know that some nuggets will be shaped like gavels and some like small mailmen. No matter. With the proper chicken nugget forming machine, associates in the firm can use any available downtime to churn out law firm branded and lawyer-shaped chicken nuggets, at huge profit margins. Just imagine the kids smacking down lawyers with a chicken gavel or biting off the heads of lawyers gone bad. Ka-ching.
Lawyer-shaped Talking Cookie Jars. As you can tell, lawyer-shaped objects are popular. Add the excitement with an interactive element, such as a talking robotic trial lawyer or a talking plush toy or plate, and you’ve got gold. One of the more affordable branded products is a lawyer-shaped talking cookie jar. Open the top to grab a cookie and a smooth-talking voice says something like “White and Case neither condones nor endorses the product contained herein. Further action on your part is subject to the disclaimer on the bottom of this jar.”
ERiSA Lawyer Action Figure. Mention ERISA Lawyer to anyone and they are typically mesmerized by the allure of an exciting area of law and the lawyers that practice in it. What better way to take advantage of a natural merchandising opportunity than ERISA Lawyer Action Figures? After all, if the market can command a Seth Godin Marketing Guru Action Figure, why not ERISA lawyers? At least with the ERISA Lawyer Action Figure, children (and some adults) can pretend that they are in a heated courtroom evidentiary debate about plan administration documents. Or assembled outside the courtroom ready for a brawl with a gang of fiduciaries gone bad (purchase separately). Whatever the scenario, branded ERISA Lawyer Action Figures will fly out of the stores come Christmas.
Lawyer Survival Kit. Sure, the bozos over at Lawyerist already invented the Lawyering Survival Guide. Turns out that they failed to figure out that the Lawyer Survival Kit is the next cool product in that line. Their loss, your opportunity. While it can be endlessly modified, the Lawyer Survival Kit typically includes a tube of ibuprofen, a barf bag, a Chia Lawyer Pet (chia seeds are big right now), anti-poetry magnets (verbosity edition), and number 2 branded pencils. Use a groovy retro font on the front of the kit, like the Lawyerist dudes. Courier New never goes out of style.
Personal Injury Tourniquet. Face it. Customized bandages are huge. Just look at bacon bandages. Lawyers should take this opportunity one step further with the Personal Injury Tourniquet. Where bandages fail, personal injury tourniquets come through. With a sizable market in small and mid-size businesses, these will be popular with employers. And with video gamers. Just make sure you have the right message and phone number branded on the tourniquet and that it does not clash with the color of blood. You don’t want to lose an opportunity for business if a loved one or work colleague cannot read the tourniquet after initial use.