Top Uses for the Office Chain Saw

Attorneys have a lot of tools under their belt, not all of them used effectively. One tool that typically sits in the back closet is the office chain saw. Whether it’s a Stihl, Husqvarna, or Craftsman, the chain saw — when used properly — can enhance your practice, attract new clients, and lead to overall office harmony. Here’s how.

Eliminate Pesky Client Calls. Every attorney has about three clients who call at least fifteen times a week. While it’s nice to charge them by the tenth of an hour for each call, making money gets a bit stale at times. Power up the office chain saw and you’ve got a handy excuse to get off the phone. Say something like, “Sorry, Stu, there’s a deposition going on in our conference room and I’ll have to get back to you.” Or, “Hey, Sheila, I gotta go, opposing counsel just got here and we’re gonna work some things out.”

Free Vending Machine Sodas. Attorneys don’t often carry petty cash. So when you want that Diet Dr. Pepper and you’ve already raided your paralegal’s cash drawer, a chain saw works well. Make sure, though, you use an off-brand saw and don’t destroy the vending machine more than twice in one year. In most states, insurance exclusions have annual limits on chain saw damage to third-party vending machines.

Witness Intimidation Evaluation. It’s a good idea to have a chain saw sitting on the table at depositions, just to throw off witnesses, especially if you caress the chain saw from time to time and power it up during breaks. While leaf blowers also work, they are not as effective and are known to go off more easily when moved, creating issues for those in the office with toupes.

Redirect Your Anger. Instead of punching the office wall, saw through it. Better yet, keep a large block of wood in the lobby and direct your anger at the block, serving the dual purpose of letting off steam and creating resellable chain saw art. If you don’t have a large block of wood (or have already used it up), create a stack of West reporters and see how quickly you can power through them with the chain saw.

As you can see, the chain saw sitting in your office utility closet has been ignored long enough. Get it out, power it up, and see how well you can work it into your practice. Let us know what other creative uses you find for the chain saw in your practice.