Snarky lawyerly curmudgeons have gained a lot of respect lately, and for good reason. They are sharp, witty, and can call attention to their arguments with strategic misspellings. Plus, being a big blowhard can reap unexpected rewards, like an increased Twitter reputation or the aura of being a tough-as-nails experienced lawyer. Here are some tips to consider if you are considering moving toward the snarky curmudgeon niche, a surprisingly growing niche within the law.
Berate Anyone With Whom You Remotely Disagree. This is key advice. If you write a blog, for instance, and someone remotely disagrees with you, lay into the commenter and don’t hold back. If you hold back, you will be considered weak and effeminate, even if you are– as most curmudgeons are– weak and effeminate. Don’t have good snark? No problem. Just look around at some of the top blogs. We actually spent a few minutes culling some of the best hard-hitting snark out there from a single blog (and its comments) and have reproduced them here for your use, royalty-free:
There are enough scummy lawyers like you who have neither pride nor desire for excellence.
I pity any client who has someone who thinks like your [sic] represent him. As for the rest of us, don’t be so arrogant as to project your embrace of failure.
In a post where the point is nearly impossible to miss, you have manage [sic] to do so completely.
I take it that, in real life, you are not used to be [sic] challenged.
You aren’t only a narcissist, but your [sic] dumb as well.
Your critical thinking skills may not be quite as well developed as they should be, thus explaining both the odd reasoning and odd lack of reasoning. Maybe you just spend too much time with children?
As you can see, spelling and punctuation are not critical, just as they are not critical for people who comment on YouTube. Just get the snarky comment out there and hit it hard and hit it fast, especially before anyone catches on that you are a tad bit insecure. Program your browser or word processor to autocorrect the term “snark” with one of your favorite snarkicisms. That will help with efficiency, though that’s not generally a well-developed trait of the curmudgeon.
Consider Yourself Above Any Possible Reproach. You are right and make no mistakes. Just repeat that as you write a blog post or respond to any comments or telephone calls. Not much more to it than that, particularly if you are successful in inculcating this critical component into your daily gestalt. Makes for good lawyering, too, except when you are wrong. Wait, repeat.
Think of Yourself as an Elder Among Infants. Referring to anyone remotely younger than you as a baby or infant is key to being a snarky curmudgeon. Actually, it works well for older colleagues or your own cohorts. And it works if you disagree with someone. Hell, it just works. Despite anti-bullying efforts, curmudgeons know that sticks and stones work well, as do insults typically reserved for a preschool classroom. To bring it up to a more mature level of discourse, though, use “snot” instead of “booger.”
Deny That You Mean Something When You Really Do. This is key to being a successful snark and curmudgeon. It’s called the “art of the proper preface” and goes something like this. “And lest I be misunderstood, which is infrequent, I’ve seen just as many male lawyers as female lawyers breastfeed their kids and deal with PMS, bad periods, menopause and discrimination while practicing law. It’s just that female lawyers seem to think these things only apply to them, which makes them babies and infants.”
With just these few tips and by studying some of the best and most successful snarking lawyers out there, you can move your online and offline reputation to a different level. We’re not sure if that level is higher or lower, but at least you’re moving in a direction, and that seems to count for a lot.
I know these guys. They give a bad name to the profession. But don’t tell them that — they actually enjoy hearing it, being masochists and all.
Take what you really feel and then say the opposite. For example, say that you only write for yourself. Then go around complaining when other people don’t attribute things to your site.
Refuse to ever admit error. Because admitting error for an insecure person is a sign of weakness. And not manly. Like you. Manly. When people challenge the notion that you write your blogs in 10 minutes, don’t admit that perhaps this was a slight exaggeration. Instead, turn things around on the other people by suggesting they must be stupid if they can’t do that too.
Extol the virtues of every other blogger who agrees with you, while reassuring yourself that you really are open to having your ideas challenged. This assures a loyal following of obsequious little toadies who can’t seem to post a thought without attributing it back to you. They know who they are: people who address you as “Mr. Curmudgeon.” Kickass lawyers? More like kiss ass lawyers.
Excoriate anyone who has the gall to disagree with you. Attach labels to them. Commie-sympathizers, all of them! Attack their manhood, competence and commitment in order to safeguard your own. This shows us how tough you are. This shows YOU are tough you are.
Claim that you never write about clients and criticize others for doing so. It’s a good way to hide the fact that you really don’t have many clients, leaving you hours every day to stew over every perceived slight, to surf the net, and to type away furiously at your keyboard. Great legal work there. Then write about a former client in a way that shows how caring and committed you are.
Criticize others for re-inventing themselves on the Internet. Then do the same for yourself. Tell us how tough you are. If we don’t believe you the first time, tell us it again but louder this time. Tell us about the rapport you have with judges and former clients. Oh, if only every lawyer could be like you!
Poke fun at social media. Then spend virtually every minute of your day USING social media, scouring other blogs, lurking on Twitter.
Discourage others from blogging or from becoming lawyers because, after all, who needs the competition, particularly from people who are not only smarter than you are but who also have some charm, class, and social skills.
Take heart in any criticism ever directed at you as a sign of your bravery and commitment. You are such a martyr! The legal world and the Internet will forever be in your debt!
Glorify the old way of doing things because, well, who has the time to learn new things?
Look in the mirror at your ugly chubby face and reassure yourself that, no, you are not a has-been (if ever-been). You are not a petty, spiteful, insecure little man who takes pleasure at bullying young attorneys. Reassure yourself that no one will ever know this because well, on the Internet, nobody knows that you are a dog.
Are you a current or reformed snarker? Because you really know your stuff. Thanks for adding such great resources for attorneys who are considering a new direction and looking at ways to make a lasting impact. We owe you a couple of paperweights.
You forgot that people like this always believe they have the power to make you cry. So, for instance, if you are offended by something they said to you, you can tell them that but the typical response will be “Sorry I made you cry” followed by whatever snarky ad hominem crap may be in their heads at the time.
Angelina:
Oh boy, you really nailed Scott H. Greenfield, a New York Criminal Defense Lawyer. Still, it is unlikely that he’ll be aware of your comments because he is a trench lawyer and spends his days in court and pointing out to anyone who will listen that he is a “real” lawyer. Well, actually, according to his website, he is a “lawyer’s lawyer” and that must be true since he constantly claims that other purported attorneys fill their websites with puffery.
He won’t be aware of my comment unless he googles his own name and only a narcissist would do that. Anyway, your description of him made this tired old lawyer smile.
The funny thing is that, while Scott Greenfield’s over-the-top and bizarre slam of my comments on his blog was the inspiration for this (as well as the inspiration for the satirical news story we ran on Turnip News), this is really a compendium of a bunch of blogging lawyers who do this kind of stuff all the time.
This post has apparently really hit a nerve, maybe turning the tables a bit too much for lawyers like Scott and his friends, who now say I am “inciting defamatory comments” (nice theory!). He and they think it’s only about him, which it’s not. It’s about lawyers — and there are a number out there– who think it’s neat to call people who disagree with them babies, runts, “scum” “pathetic” “idiots” “bottom feeders” etc. etc. The fact that they conclude immediately that this post is solely about one of them makes it all the more telling.